i take it back

it should never be too late to demonstrate your love and affection towards someone special in your life. even post-relationship.

after thinking about it a little more, i realized i was being hypocrite. ive written tons of poems before, during, and after a relationship. and at every stage i didn’t share all my pieces for X amount of reasons. i know why i didn’t share it. i knew when it was right to read my poems to someone. and post-relationship… well it was my way of processing and acknowledging my truths and my feelings.

after the day you break up with someone, the love that was shared doesnt automatically wipe itself away. personally ,love has a habit of lingering around. even when i’ve been the one to make the executive decision of getting out of a relationship… theres always sooo much emotion left.

with all the emotions left it feels like im carrying a bunch of things in my arms that are falling all over the place. it feels crazy. you have to set them down somewhere. let them go somewhere. i usually get all melancholy and listen to Juan Gabriel and sing very loud. i also go and talk to the full moon. she always listens, and i can always be honest with her. but 9 times out of 10… i will usually just write. this is how i set things down. i leave them on paper. in notebooks. on laptops. in emails to myself. out of everything i write… maybe 10% ever goes out into daylight. my writings, my process, my truths, my confusion, my tears, my excitement, my imagination… these things live in notebooks sitting next to my bed.

im gonna put a zine together. im gonna search thru my journals and share them with the world… feelings deserve a place to live. even if they are feelings acknowledged post-relationship. feelings are truths. period. truths have rights! i will continue to find ways to liberate my truths!

You have a pretty smile and your kisses are Divine

I got bummed out earlier today. An ex-boyfriend was unsure whether to give me some poetry that he wrote sometime in the past about me/for me, and he asked if I wanted to receive it. What is sad is that while in the relationship I hardly got any poems from him (well, there was one song i did get, that was really nice, people really liked it too). It’s sad because dude is a spoken word artist and emcee, I mean, he’s even traveled to 2 other continents because he’s that good of a poet. What’s the point of getting something now, that wasn’t there when I asked for it. When I really needed to hear his words and feel his affection, it was completely void.

Alumbrastes mi Corazon '09

I got bummed out because I thought about how much love I give to those I become intimate with. And my art is one of the ways i  show someone how much I care for them and how special they are to me. I’ve written lots of poems and I’ve given my sketches and drawings. I give a lot emotionalyl and otherwise, but at the end… I can probably count with one hand the amount of things that have been made for me creatively. Granted, there are many ways to show affection, and I don’t expect material things at all, only thoughtfulness in whichever way it manifests. Knowing I give a lot, I don’t feel like everything I share openly has been completely reciprocated. Its interesting though, that when I finally want out of a relationship, then the confessions of love happen. What good is it afterward?

I do have to admit though, there was one person who showed his affection and his love to me continuously through out the time we were dating. I felt loved and appreciated through his beautiful words and the way his eyes communicated everything to me. The one person whom I never doubted his love for me and I go ahead and turn my back on him… Maybe I do deserve this bummyness that I have going on. sigh…

If you’re in a relationship right now… do yourself a favor so that you don’t regret what you didn’t do for the person you love. Tell them how special they make you feel. Give them your gratitude for being present in your life. Tell the person that you are with how you feel today, right now about them. If you can’t find the words, then you suck… figure it out. Find a song that expresses your sentiments for them. Make something as simple as a letter so that they know that you were thinking about them. Find a way to put a smile on that person if that’s what they do for you. Don’t take this present lover for granted. After today there’s no going back. Just love without fear.