Archive | October, 2013

While everyone is happy

31 Oct

When depressed, its hard to see other’s so damn happy.

I really dont like Halloween.

My grandmother past away at the end of October in 2002. I flew to Guatemala to bury her. Her death changed a deep part of me. One that did not allow me to drop out of college. The month she past was the month i meant to drop out of college.

I never went to a Halloween party again since her passing. While i mourned yearly, everyone got dressed up, dressed happy, went to party, dance and drink, and i stayed in. alone.

Some years ive gone out, but i always feel out of it.

I followed up with Dia de Los Muertos and appreciated that date because at least i could remember her in a good way, in an intentional way. Ive appreciated and been part of making altares since 2002.

Since moving back to LA, I have attended the event at Hollywood Forever a few times. But every single time i went i was surrounded by hundreds of people and i felt completely alone. I would always end up walking away and sitting by myself in the darkness somewhere. Alone and ignored in my thoughts.

This year, the feeling is no different.

All of a sudden everyone and their mother has an altar or a dia de los muertos party.

I dont want to celebrate muertos.

This year, my father’s life was unjustly taken away and now i wake up every morning knowing that he’s dead.  I am not happy that he has gone on to the spirit world. That maybe he can see me. That he is now an ancestor.

One holiday celebrates and make believes. Costumes include blood, death, ghosts, and racist insensitive ass holes.

The other holiday makes death trendy.

What the fuck?!

For anyone whose ever dealt with murder in their life, i cant imagine Halloween not being a triggering day. And for anyone that simply wants to mourn and grieve in a good way that feels healthy or genuine, hearing about how much people want to party up with dia de los muertos is at the minimum, annoying.

So while everyone is happy tnight and for the rest of the weekend, i have no where to go where i wont feel alone.