Archive | November, 2010

simultaneous presence and absence

6 Nov

being present is something i struggle with. being present for my family. being present with my cat. being present for friends. being present for others. i sometimes wonder how selfish i am. but is it really selfishness? to take care of myself. to keep working towards my goals and desires…

i started school this fall after… 4 years. i love it. however, this keeps me away from home, from my cat, from my sister. when the weekend comes i want to just do me. take care  of the things i couldnt do during the week. i.e. spend time by myself, like tonight; go out to dinner with a friend; escape from l.a.; spend time with the person im in love with. therefore, i am absent.

during the week im absent bc im working and doing school. and during the weekend im absent bc theyre the only days i decide fully how to spend them.

maybe no one missed me, and i think im absent in their lives. maybe it’s just in my head. but i dont want to disappear. this is what i fear. that people forget i exist. but i suppose its their right. afterall, i can only be found occasionally.

before i went to college i lived with my sisters, my family. i was present in their lives, as they were present in mine. when i left to college at 18, i left 400 miles away. my family sold their house, and my sisters began to create their own own separate lives, including myself. none of us where glued to one home any longer. when i came back to l.a. i continued being different. i always have been. i had gone through a whole chapter in my life that no one in my family could read. how was i to relate to them and them to me. many things have been unspoken. so, i have felt absent in my sister’s lives, as i feel their absence in mine. i dont know fully how they judge me, but not knowing does affect me. they love me, bc we are family. but for the most part, i feel they dont know me.

my friends know me. they are present in the life i live now. my family knows me since birth, but they are not present in my life. they are present in my prayers.

for a long time i struggle back and forth between getting lost in my world and being part of everyone’s world. where is the balance? a few months ago i met someone that extended their friendship to me. i do not accept friendships lightly. He then contacted me, but i was out of town. i did not communicate this to him, after all, im not responsible to them. they contacted me a couple more times, with the last one resulting in, “you’re rude”. was i really? i had told him something along of the lines of being unable to cater to people. i am a busy person. it makes me uncomfortable when people expect me to be there for them. is that rude? or too honest? especially when i had only met this person once. if its hard for me to be there for people i’ve known all my life, why would i be there for a stranger? but it affected me. bc whom i there for really?

last week a close friend of mine almost lost her sister. i went to the hospital to see my friend and her sister. i wanted to be present for my friend and her family. they had just survived a traumatic experience. a few months ago another close friend of mine lost her father. i tried very hard to be there at least once soon after her father’s passing. it was hard because i was working two jobs at the time. btu she is my friend. she’s a beautiful person and i wanted to share my love and friendship during that time. i also saw that many other friends came through for her, so i felt i could step back into my busy life and know that she would be ok.

i am there for my friends in different ways, not just during these tragic moments. we paint, we dance, we laugh, we go on our aventuras, we share in ceremony. i wish this was the kind of relationship i had with my sisters. i dont really know what kind of relationship we have…

being present, is a challenge for me. i dont know if i make up my absence in my head. i do recognize that i am there for myself. this is important, bc i feel independent and strong. i do recognize, that even if i am absent in other’s lives, all my relations are still present in my heart.

explaining the process takes more than one post

4 Nov

yesterday i bought a journal again. must be my 15th journal. i stopped writing for months now. time flies. i stopped writing online bc everything ive mostly felt like expressing has been personal deciphering of my mind and heart. ive been afraid to express myself. fear that some specific people out there would take my writing wrong. fear that i construct a character that is not me. fear of making my written word become reality. fear that i can’t explain myself after a posting. fear that my truth may not even be real but a fictitious story created only in my mind.

i’ve had the urge to write before tonight. but have held back. 2010 has been a year of much growth. i prayed for wisdom and i’ve received lessons non-stop. am i wiser? learning what i have learned means making i have made my mistakes. it is not easy to show off to the world your mistakes. most everyone is only excited about sharing their triumphs. my mistakes have brought me triumph. explaining the process takes more than one post.

for now i’ll make a list of everything i wish i could talk about. its almost 2AM so i cant write, i have a long day of work tomorrow.

love. childhood trauma. marriage. forgiving. sexuality. feminism. tradition. architecture. art. being a student. muralism. my cat chikis. birth. being responsible. practicing patience. kung fu. my new cell phone. fleas. not having a kitchen. dancing. not dancing. friends. absence. family. being in love, again. prayer. magic. spirit. brujas. voting. october moons.

gnight or gmorning.