how do you prove love?

“but ana, i dont get it, how do you prove love?”, asks my high school student as i was driving her home on the 110 freeway.

i answer the way people have said it before, “you just know. its a feeling. love comes from within…”

“but what does that mean, is it like having a soul?”

I thought about my spiritual path and i answered, “well i know i have a soul, my spirit, i can feel it and i connect with it. i cant see it or touch it, but i feel it. thats how love is, i feel it…i’ve loved before, but i have someone in my life right now, and we are in love with each other, and its never felt like this before…”

my student didn’t seem satisfied, she continued, “sometimes i wonder about couples in school. sometimes they look really happy together. and then the next month they don’t even talk to each other anymore. why does that happen ana?”

Why does teenage love last for a week or a month? I thought about my own high school relationships… “i think in high school you might not be mature enough to communicate and understand each other to the point where you work it out past one month”, i answered…

“but how do you prove love…?!?!”

All i could share with her is what I have learned thus far… “love is built on trust. trust is built on honesty and communication. love begins with a friendship. you can’t love someone and not trust them. you can’t love someone and not be able to communicate with them. love needs all these other things to truly exist …” 

she finally seemed satisfied with my answer, “that makes sense…hmmm…”

love doesn’t always make sense. we search for it in other people. hoping that it proves itself by itself. but in my experience, i had to learn who i was more, i’ve had to mature more. i had to learn what i want in another person, what works and what doesn’t. i had to learn how to ask questions and talk about so many unknowns. i’ve gone through relationships where the communication was tense, uncomfortable, and things were buried.

I’ve been trying to love better since my my college relationship. it ended so badly and painfully that i need to make sure to not repeat those mistakes. in the process, i had to also forgive myself. the hardest lesson was figuring out what healthy communication could feel and look like. when healthy, beautiful communication happens between two persons, it’s as if you are sharing your souls with each other. it is an exploration of what lies deep inside one another person. and you present it, bare and raw. it works out when the other person isnt afraid to share theyre ugly and their beautiful. and i’ve learned to be honest about my ugly and my beautiful. its been hard, but i finally found the me who is free to say and do what i want. and the person im in love with, loves my crazyness, my energy, my tears, my past, my future. i am sure ive been loved like this before. but still, something is different, and i can feel it, and it feels like love …

ive been meaning to explain…

Love.

I’ve been meaning to explain the many manifestations of Love.

For example, a child only knows how to love.  Thats because people look at babies and smile at them, laugh with them, and give ’em lots of attention and love. A child therefore reflects what he/she receives, love. With all the love i get, sometimes i feel like a child who simply knows to love. I feel blessed with the many friends that the universe has given me bc my friends share their smiles, laughs, goals, philosophies and love with me. So i love my friends in return.

But i am not a child. I am a womyn, grown up and all, and my imagination is the only thing that keeps me far from being “adultish”. I am a womyn imagining flight above the trees, the houses, the streets, the noises and the clouds. I am a womyn that has given strong wings to my heart. She soars, she’s wise, she’s introspective, she’s foreseeing, she’s honest, she thinks to much. Yes, this heart of mine considers many things all at once. Contemplative bc working off of impulse has not been maturity. But impulsiveness has allowed for lessons to be learned. This heart is not still…even when she’s perched on the tallest tree. She looks down at the ants and learns about them one by one.

My heart… it flutters. It’s curious. But cautious. She use to be like fire, spreading the hotness into a wild mess, but realized she needed to cool the fire. My heart, it dove into the ocean instead. Swimming in transformation she realized she didn’t want the attention, the sex, the loss of innocence. In such a hyper-sexualized society, analysis made me realize that others were seeing me unclothed before seeing my heart bare. Self-analysis made me take responsibility for sexualing other beings into existence. Self-analysis made this heart and body realize that there is a sacred self that does not want to share this divinity with any other heart that does not fly with grace and beauty. My heart seeks truthful colors, what colors are you ?

The ocean waters painted this heart into beautiful blues, purples and whites. I swam with the waters, cleansing myself, and i asked for innocence again. A time when you could just play on swings and slides and not have to think about sex, flirting, eye contact, keeping conversation, mixed messaging, libidos, and confusion of emotions. I want to return to myself, a place where i can tend to my garden of purple and orange wild flowers. I want to go to a place where i can jump on top of a star and glide through the universe to visit my Jupitor. I want to and i have gone into my own swirl of colors and painted the universe. I want the conversations, the friendship, the honesty, the understanding, the pace of a turtle, the kiss of a hummingbird.

I have taken a step back,  and i came to understood more about myself and more about other’s intentions. I stood back and i have created more friendships. I stood back and kept my energy and thoughts to myself. I stood back and put my energy on canvas and walls. I realized my time is sacred, time is mine, i have much to accomplish for self within this life-time. So i fly to my own room and in here i find pastels, markers, paint, and Chikis. It feels safe here. My cave is colorful.

Ive been meaning to explain how i love…I love deeply. My love is good. I love to love. You would be lucky to know such sincerity. You would be shocked to feel my romance. Youd love to hear my poems. Youd love so much of me. And i know bc i see my loveliness when i stand back and look in the mirror. I create beauty. So if you wonder why i prefer my solitude, its because within my solitude i have found the better me; the lovely and the crazy. To take me away from my solitude your arms would have to radiate warmth. Your mind would have to radiate creativity. And your heart would have to shed the layers it uses to cover itself if it holds fear. I’d have to see your heart bare if you want to see mine. In this nakedness you and i would know if this connection is worth the time.

Friendship vs Romance

When I am drawn to someone it goes beyond the surface. If I am attracted to you it’s gone beyond the physical. I have already felt the cosmic connection, the universe that pulled us closer. And here I am as this poet, with words that want to exist somewhere in the open. I question if I should be careful and repress these metaphors out of fear that they would be taken too serious…  But what good is being a poet if it I exist in silence?! I will not ask for forgiveness, I will not ask for permission. This is about me. You only inspired.

Your friendship is worth the flight to coastal mountains. At the edge we can take in the oceans’ blue immensity. At the edge we can breath from the winds that have caressed island flowers. At the edge we can sit quietly amongst the branches. Seeing you with sunset rays’ background, I would not know who is more golden.

If I give you purple flowers picked from my garden will you misunderstand my intention? My intention is to show you the garden as a whole. We can take a walk and notice the lady bugs, grasshoppers and butterflies that dance. I want to show you the details that exist in this garden because it compliments your beauty.

I am a woman flying in my galaxy but I find myself colliding into your smile. Like a black hole I want to be taken in by you. Touched by your music my stars would sing to you. Touched by your fingertips my planets would strum to you.

Can I give you flowers and poetry in exchange for a friendship? Can I share feelings without interrupting the exchange in sincerity? Can I get to know you the way two butterflies find each other on the same petal? Share a slow dance bc nothing has to happen by tomorrows dusk.

I rather see your wings amongst the clouds than have you take root with me. I rather love you than to never know you. I rather follow you to where you want to go that to sit still. I am here walking upon destiny’s path.

Can I just let my words and feelings sprinkle like rainfall and slide down your leaves. If you cup them and hold my verses just know that my water is pure. If you let them roll off then my hope is that I can dampen the soil that nourishes you. There is no flood, only February showers.

I don’t want your days and your nights. I just want your dawns and your truths. I want a glimpse into your passions. I’m simply curious about your twilight. I want to know what makes you human on this earth. The romance is only secondary.