Tag Archives: dreams

The Shooting Arrow: LMU Acceptance

28 Mar

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Just as I expected, I received my acceptance letter from LMU to begin my Masters Program as an Art Therapist. I knew it. For almost 3 years I worked on my pre-requisite coursework on a part time basis at Los Angeles City College. I worked very consistently to get the best grades possible. I wanted my transcript from LACC to have straight A’s. I almost succeeded … I messed up when I couldn’t finish my Spring semester bc of my father’s passing.

When my father’s life came to a halt, so did my goals and plans for school. Everything stopped…for several months. I decided to continue pursuing my educational and career goals one day before the final class to complete my coursework began. And so I started up again 6 months after my father’s passing. Two part time jobs, one psychology class left, an entrance exam, and a 15 page autobiography were needed to complete my application for grad school. 

Everything was turned in! I met the deadline, checked every item off. I had a complete application and I knew I would get priority. Many students apply without having all the coursework completed. That’s because you need 12 units of Psych and 18 units of art coursework, this translates to 10 college classes. And so i waited.

While waiting, several people asked me, “well what happens if I dont get it”. To which I always replied, “Nah, I’m getting in, I did all the work”. I think it was Gurri or someone who said, “So you are shooting  with just one arrow and hitting the target”. YUP!

Finally I had my interview. I prepared myself and walked in with a lot of confidence. I had more questions for the interviewer than he had for me. He told me they would only accept 19 people into the program. Yikes! But i still walked out of the interview owning it. I had been very intentional through and through. Going to ceremony and sweat lodge and always putting that prayer forward. I am so grateful for my spiritual community that has grounded me in so many ways.

I am very grateful to the people who took the time to write me a letter of recommendation: Jeanne S., Camille A., and my art professor Robin Adsit. It was so hard to ask for a letter but it was my last opportunity to apply for grad school. This was it. Afterwards I continued to work on my autobiography. Again, I’m very thankful to my friends who went through each page and read my story. I know it was a lot to do for me, thank you for your feedback and encouragement: Maria Teresa, Maria R., Renaldo and Diana, Liliana, Sarita, Brenda Y., and  Barnica. To Sonji, Vanessa, and Xaris, thank you for being patient with me, we had a beautiful wedding to plan and I needed a bit of time to jump into gear with you ladies. Also my partner Jose, who simply continued to support me, lending me his apartment so that I could finish my application without any distractions. One more mention, when I was an undergraduate at UCSC, I participated in a program where peers and mentors supported me to have the courage to apply to graduate school. I wanted to keep my promise to myself and to the program that one day I would earn a graduate degree, it took  almost 7 years to believe in this dream again, but it was always deep inside. Thank you to the FMP 2004/2005 cohort, to EOP, and my mentors Paul Ortiz, Rosie Cabrera, & Gloria Chacon for inspiring that dream. Oh my goodness, and if I have to go even farther back … There have been countless people that have supported my journey into higher education. Period. This brown womyn needed all the encouragement possible!!! 

SO that’s it. That’s the big update. I sent my commitment letter in the mail today. I start grad school in the Fall …

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The Longest Dream (12.30.09)

27 Mar

Part One: Lost

I was lost in the wilderness,
Attempting to escape claws and tangling ravines.
A wilderness that held my true colors and passions,
But my colors faded away into everything else.
I needed to stand out,
I had to stand alone,
By myself.
 
Lost in transitions,
I ran in multiple directions.
My own path was windy,
Filled with distractions,
Filled with guilt,
Filled with curiosity,
Filled with doubt.
 

Part Two: I Want To Be Art

An October day offered me new colors. It placed a brush and pallet in my hands.
I was gifted a magical wall and the love flowed out of me.
My colors blended into the concrete, becoming one.
And I became a little girl again.
Nothing mattered, except the present;
You didn’t matter.
He didn’t matter.
And neither did she.
It was just me and the colors of life.
Colors of creation.
With Mountains and Oceans,
The Lightning and Fire,
The Rain Drops and Snow Flakes,
The Clouds and the four Winds,
The Rainbow and the Seashells,
The Flowers and Trees,
I danced cumbias with them all.
 
Somehow it made sense,
This is what everyday should look like…
This is what life should be…
Creation and Art.
 
A wish, a want, a need was born!
I wish to paint like the wind does, all across the sky.
I want to be movement the way the mountains rise.
I need to reach my dreams and the passing clouds.
I want to create.
I want to be Art.
 

Part Three: Doubt

But I doubted myself,
I doubted my destiny.
Unknowing where to begin or continue,
Love laughed at me,
Love made me feel ashamed,
Love made me want to disappear,
And yet I held onto love with all my strength.
I doubted who I needed to become.
A daughter who could be responsible,
A writer who could be infinite with words,
A painter who could paint walls around the world,
A friend who could listen, give time and compassion.
A woman of wisdom who flies with the owls and speaks only when needed.
A woman to share love with all who are worthy.
I was drenched in confusion,
Distracted without a core.
I could not be there for myself,
I prayed for my solitude.
I yelled at the past,
I made a mess of the present,
I denied the future,
I denied myself.
 

Part Four: The Need To Know

I needed to leave.
All these questions and doubts needed an answer.
I needed to know what my destiny would become.
So I flew off,  over pink mountains, past superstitious roads, and crawled up a mountain of Turtles.
I arrived and I prayed,
For everyone.
Myself,
I could not forget myself.
I thanked the ancestors,
I thanked the Hawk, the Crows, and the Ladybugs that joined me on my journey.
The Rock held me up,
The Sun began to set amongst the most expansive Sky I ever saw,
Dusk lasted a lifetime.
And the Cold moved in amongst the heat of the Fires.
 
I descended into the Arroyo,
The smell and dampness allowed me to remember.
I walked into my dream,
The Eagle and the Bat were one in the same
It was me, it was I
 
I was in the middle of my spiral,
my own transformation.
I felt lost searching for a place to call home by midnight.
Then a stranger showed me the way,
A stranger like an angel.
He shared love stories with me,
I shared my stories as well.

“There are no guarantees.”
“Stop being afraid,
Let love be love”, he said.
 
It made me nervous so i walked away.
 
Outside the cold went thru my spine,
I shook it off and starred at the tree.
Completely leafless,
But filled with spirits,
We looked up into the branches.
Two little love birds gave each other warmth.
The Tree did not protect them from the weather,
They just had each other.
This is all they needed,
Love.
 

Part Five: The Longest Dream

I dreamt the longest dream,
I met the older me.
She held my hand and answered my questions;
You are a painter.
You are a writer.
You are a daughter.
You are a dreamer.
You are a lover.
You are magic.
 
In my dream I had wings,
I glided with the Clouds,
The Road below was umber,
The Hawk was my guardian,
The Sky above was every yellow, orange and blue that ever existed.
I Woke up with the sun and chased it all the way to the ocean’s side
The west side, the wild-west, the concrete jungle that waits…
 
As the sun set I realized I was ready
Ready to love, forgive, be challenged, be blessed…
I am ready grandmother.
I am ready grandfather.
I laughed and cried with the wind.
I am ready.
The greatest me has arrived.
Into the city of angels,
I return to join you.
I am not waking up yet, I am living my dream…
 

Over Qualified

4 May

I had searched early on for a summer camp opportunity to work with youth in the wilderness. I found a beautiful project that took young 8th graders to a 4 week camp in Wyoming to grow, learn, become inspired, and set themselves on a path to college. Relating to the experience these kids were about to have, I spent days working on a perfect resume to reflect my qualifications for this position. I applied and I waited.

Rrrring. Rrrriing. I was called for an interview and I was there, dressed up and happy to be given the opportunity to explain why I wanted this job, why I would be so good for it, why I cared for these kids without even knowing them, and why it would have been perfect all around. The interview was long, I answered everything to the best of my ability, I was honest, and I felt good about it. I walked away feeling that I had done everything I could at that point to get this job. I gave them every reason to hire me.

 A month later I get an email. Im over-qualified and they decided not to give me the summer camp counselor position.

 How do you take in such news? Do you feed your ego? Yes. Do you feel disappointed? Hell yes! Do you think it over and over ?… I don’t want to. Hence why I’ll write it about so I can let it go and move on.

Perhaps I was looking for something outside of myself to give me greater life satisfaction. Perhaps this, that, and the other. But perhaps, it just wasn’t meant to be. Why? Idk yet, so I have to move forward and keep trying my hardest at life. I really can’t spend these next few days thinking about their decision and why it was what it was. Everything I could possibly imagine would just be assumption. Instead I’m going to have to look within and figure out what it means at a higher level to be denied bc I’m “over-qualified”.

 I shake my head. And carry my heart forward. It would have been nice to spend the summer with a bunch of kids under the trees by the river talking about the future. It would have been nice to center myself far-away from the city. I’m gonna let go of whatever beautiful pictures I created in my head when I looked forward to this job. Now I have to create new pictures for another summer where I wont rely on someone else to tell me whether or not I can have it. Im a capable being, and my summer will be everything I want it to be. 

With that, i’ll walk away with this song by Selena, “Desprecios”, i love her !