Archive | March, 2010

Its just not that easy

31 Mar

I wish i could love freely without so many expectations attached to it.

first you gotta find out if the person is even into you. not without putting yourself out there first (i guess there’s 2 firsts). so maybe you’re already talking. then you gotta try to read in between the lines. maybe it’s obvious that there’s something going on. but how do you speak that first truth of, “hey, i think you’re pretty funny, can i love you”. and most people dont want to be loved right away. i mean, its a weird question. Id probably smack someone if it came from an unwanted person.

then you finally say it. “i am attracted to you”, or “id love to be your friend, but i want to kiss you” (thats not a friend thing to do, or is it?), or you say whatever line to make a declaration of love (there should be some romance to it, but usually you’re so damn nervous you can’t think of anything right). and then silence. and hopefully the answer on the other side is, “i like you too, lets cuddle”.

love, its just not that easy.

lets say you’ve found someone to love and they love you back. great. but then they have funky attitudes here and there. sometimes they’re possessive or needy and they want to know where you’re at. sometimes they have more maturing and growing up to do and react in unacceptable ways. i.e. yelling and slamming things. sometimes you just cant love them anymore for x amount of reasons. and then the break-up. but before the break up, you need the courage to be honest and truthful with yourself and then the other.

how can romantic love come about with ease? can love be more open and fluid? is there such a thing? is love always complicated? can love be there one day, but gone tomorrow, and back next week? why is Love all over the place and nowhere near all at once? why do we ask for love so much?  can we be ok without it?

love, love, love…

does a healthy relationship mean you have to stay in it? why are we more likely to stay in dysfunctional ones? i have too many questions for Love. i guess im not loving freely and openly. not as much as i preach. maybe the practice of it is a little more intimidating. maybe love takes time to cultivate and time is what i dont have. oooh. ouch.

so i guess it’s not Love’s fault for these dilemmas and complications. Love is always there for all, its just that we make shit difficult with all our insecurities and unhealthy behavior. tomorrow will have to be a different day for me and Love.

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ive been meaning to explain…

26 Mar

Love.

I’ve been meaning to explain the many manifestations of Love.

For example, a child only knows how to love.  Thats because people look at babies and smile at them, laugh with them, and give ’em lots of attention and love. A child therefore reflects what he/she receives, love. With all the love i get, sometimes i feel like a child who simply knows to love. I feel blessed with the many friends that the universe has given me bc my friends share their smiles, laughs, goals, philosophies and love with me. So i love my friends in return.

But i am not a child. I am a womyn, grown up and all, and my imagination is the only thing that keeps me far from being “adultish”. I am a womyn imagining flight above the trees, the houses, the streets, the noises and the clouds. I am a womyn that has given strong wings to my heart. She soars, she’s wise, she’s introspective, she’s foreseeing, she’s honest, she thinks to much. Yes, this heart of mine considers many things all at once. Contemplative bc working off of impulse has not been maturity. But impulsiveness has allowed for lessons to be learned. This heart is not still…even when she’s perched on the tallest tree. She looks down at the ants and learns about them one by one.

My heart… it flutters. It’s curious. But cautious. She use to be like fire, spreading the hotness into a wild mess, but realized she needed to cool the fire. My heart, it dove into the ocean instead. Swimming in transformation she realized she didn’t want the attention, the sex, the loss of innocence. In such a hyper-sexualized society, analysis made me realize that others were seeing me unclothed before seeing my heart bare. Self-analysis made me take responsibility for sexualing other beings into existence. Self-analysis made this heart and body realize that there is a sacred self that does not want to share this divinity with any other heart that does not fly with grace and beauty. My heart seeks truthful colors, what colors are you ?

The ocean waters painted this heart into beautiful blues, purples and whites. I swam with the waters, cleansing myself, and i asked for innocence again. A time when you could just play on swings and slides and not have to think about sex, flirting, eye contact, keeping conversation, mixed messaging, libidos, and confusion of emotions. I want to return to myself, a place where i can tend to my garden of purple and orange wild flowers. I want to go to a place where i can jump on top of a star and glide through the universe to visit my Jupitor. I want to and i have gone into my own swirl of colors and painted the universe. I want the conversations, the friendship, the honesty, the understanding, the pace of a turtle, the kiss of a hummingbird.

I have taken a step back,  and i came to understood more about myself and more about other’s intentions. I stood back and i have created more friendships. I stood back and kept my energy and thoughts to myself. I stood back and put my energy on canvas and walls. I realized my time is sacred, time is mine, i have much to accomplish for self within this life-time. So i fly to my own room and in here i find pastels, markers, paint, and Chikis. It feels safe here. My cave is colorful.

Ive been meaning to explain how i love…I love deeply. My love is good. I love to love. You would be lucky to know such sincerity. You would be shocked to feel my romance. Youd love to hear my poems. Youd love so much of me. And i know bc i see my loveliness when i stand back and look in the mirror. I create beauty. So if you wonder why i prefer my solitude, its because within my solitude i have found the better me; the lovely and the crazy. To take me away from my solitude your arms would have to radiate warmth. Your mind would have to radiate creativity. And your heart would have to shed the layers it uses to cover itself if it holds fear. I’d have to see your heart bare if you want to see mine. In this nakedness you and i would know if this connection is worth the time.